Successfully through the transition: Tips for preparing for

BYLINE: Patti Zielinski

Newswise — Whether a student is moving to campus for the first time or commuting from home, the transition from high school to college can be challenging. Stephanie Marcello, chief psychologist at Rutgers University Behavioral Health Care, discusses how freshmen – and their parents – can prepare to deal with the stressors that accompany this phase of life.

Why does the transition to college cause stress or anxiety for parents and students?

While most see this as a “good change” that parents and students eagerly anticipate and plan for, it is still a life transition. Any major change, even a positive one that significantly impacts an individual's life, can cause stress. Families will now have new routines and face different expectations.

Saying goodbye to the old life also involves a grieving process as students must adjust to this new version of their daily routine. Learning new schedules and saying goodbye to the old life can require more energy and effort than they normally put into everyday tasks, causing them to feel more stressed or anxious.

We also really want to make sure that it is normal to experience stress and some anxiety during this time. Stress often has a negative connotation, but when families are going through changes like this, it is very common. When our bodies feel stress, they release hormones and a variety of physiological responses occur, and this is where we want to implement coping strategies. Some of the problems arise when we don't allow ourselves to feel these very normal feelings.

How can parents and their children deal with this stress without their relationship suffering?

First, it's important to communicate with each other and acknowledge that you're going through this together for the first time and that you may have many different feelings.

Normalize these feelings. As parents, we want to do our best to control our feelings and not push our fears onto our children, which can be very difficult. Focus on establishing daily activities to manage your stress and set reasonable expectations. Develop a routine that focuses on sleep, meditation, daily walks, and goal setting. Check your self-talk. What are you saying to yourself? Are your inner comments helping you deal with the situation or making it more difficult?

Setting small goals can help. Staying in touch with each other and with friends and family can help you feel less alone. And remember to talk to each other, apologize when you notice yourself reacting, and focus on connecting and allowing yourself to feel any feelings that might come up instead of pushing them away. The better we can model how to deal with these big life transitions in a healthy way, the more likely it is that others in the household will respond similarly.

How can parents give commuting students space at home?

It's important to have conversations about boundaries and rules that are clear to everyone involved, whether a student will be living at home or on campus. Families should sit down and talk about what this next phase will look like. An important first step is for parents to be present when their children are speaking and not interrupting them while they are speaking. – and ask that the other person do the same in return. Resist the temptation to come up with an answer while the other person is talking and instead listen carefully.

Parents of commuting children should be aware that their children may have a difficult time adjusting to the new environment, and trying to socialize while living off campus can cause additional stress. Approaching them with curiosity while setting boundaries that align with household values ​​and expectations can help create a healthy space for discussion.

How do you keep the lines of communication open after moving into college?

It's important that you and your student determine how well communication is working for all of you. Talk to each other and review what's working and what's not. Often, a conversation can clear up any confusion. One way for parents to stay in touch is to follow their child's social media accounts: watch, but don't post yourself. Don't make assumptions: A student might not call or text because they're having a wonderful experience, but parents should reach out if they haven't heard from them. If they live in a residence hall, they can check with staff and get a wellness check.

What advice do you have for parents who miss their children or their previous lifestyle?

This is a big transition that can be filled with grief, loss, and nostalgia. Embrace it. However, parents should avoid projecting these feelings onto their students. Usually, within a month or two, parents will find that they are adjusting to this transition.

Now is the time for parents to put themselves first. Connect with others who have gone through or are going through similar changes. And remember: secure parental attachment and a healthy amount of separation consistently lead to better adjustment for students and strengthen their psychological well-being.

Is homesickness normal?

Homesickness is common. In fact, studies have shown that 70 percent of first-year students suffer from symptoms that can cause them difficulties adjusting. Homesickness usually subsides after the first semester, but how quickly it is overcome varies. It can also occur at any time.

A person's personality and ability to adapt to new people and situations, as well as external factors, such as the initial desire to move and the way friends and family at home react to the move, can influence a person's susceptibility to homesickness.

There is no right or wrong way to feel during this transition, and there is no right or wrong time for it to occur. And just as you can't control when it starts, don't worry about when it's over.

What students can do to combat homesickness – and how can parents help?

Students should focus on building new connections and social relationships – leaving their rooms, attending events, going to class – even when they don’t feel like it.

They should think about what they miss about home and find ways to recreate those aspects. For example, if they enjoyed playing sports at home, they should consider playing sports on campus. They can use nostalgia to look for clues about what makes them happy. Most importantly, they should talk to someone about their feelings.

Parents should normalize their students' feelings and support them, but not encourage them to come home too often. Instead, encourage them to get involved on campus and make friends. However, homesickness can lead to depression. Pay attention if you notice that homesickness is affecting their daily life. If a student continues to distance themselves, refuses opportunities to meet people, and if the above symptoms persist, reach out to a professional for help.

Change is difficult and the reality is that you will not navigate this transition perfectly. Compassion for ourselves and each other can go a long way.